A Rough Week with a Heap of Conviction

Over the years I have grown to love doing personality inventories that tell me how I am wired and how I function. The results to those inventories are never really surprising if I am being honest. I am an off the charts "feeler" which means if something can be taken personally I will find a way to be hurt by it. What can I say....I feel deeply and I want to please the people in my life. I've known this about myself for years and have taken responsibility to step back and think through things before I take offense to it unnecessarily. Just because I am wired this way doesn't give me the right to have my emotions control me. In fact when Scripture talks about not being controlled by anything other than the Spirit I think it's applicable to include our emotions. Granted that particular verse is talking about alcohol but again, if I'm being honest sometimes my emotions are way more powerful and effect me way more than vodka ever could. With that being said, I am a work in progress but have made great strides over the last few years to take ownership of my God given emotions, process them and try not be controlled by them. Just when I think I have this "feeler" thing under control the Lord yanks the rug right out from under me to gently and sometimes not so gently remind me that I am and will always be dependent on Him to have any victory over my flesh.

Here's how the rug got yanked out from under me just this week....
Three different students who I love dearly and have come to depend on in the leadership positions that they serve in came in my office and resigned this past week. How does my flesh process that? "Why do you hate me? Why do you not want to work for me?" and the spiral goes down from there. When in reality if I step back, these are student who serve in multiple positions on campus, take upper level courses and desire to have some sort of social life their last year of college. Nothing about their decisions was a personal attack on me. In fact, as I have invested in them and tried to instill leadership principles in them I have told them to take care of themselves, get rest, know their limitations. Unfortunately when they do just what I ask them to do and I am the part of their schedule that needs to get dropped it stings a little. It's exhausting sometimes to do college ministry. There is a revolving door that is always welcoming new students in and at the same time saying farewell to students you have invested your life in. My flesh sometimes wants to pitch a fit that I train leaders and then they move on to serve in other areas of campus where I don't directly benefit from their skills and talents. How's that for honesty?

When I stop long enough to truly process, I wouldn't want to be doing anything else. I love getting to invest in students. I love to do life with them and pass on leadership skills and disciple them in big and small ways. Though starting from scratch with new students isn't always fun and easy, there is a proud mom in me that is thankful to see my older "kids" using what I have instilled in them to make the places they serve better.

So that was enough to get my "feeler" working in over drive this week and then came the sermon on Sunday morning at church. We've been talking about being Jars used for God's Glory lately and we got to 2 Corinthians 3 where Paul talks about how we seek "letters of recommendations" from others to validate us and our ministry. #OUCH Paul goes on to say this, "We are confident in all this because of our great trust in God through Christ. It is not that we think we are qualified to do anything on our own. Our qualification comes from God. He has enabled us to be ministers of his new covenant." If you have ever had one of those moments where conviction was inescapable and you felt that your pastor had been given some special insight into your soul that made you want to hide as he preached directly to you...that was me yesterday.

So here is my heartfelt confession: there are a few people in my life that I desperately seek "letters of recommendation" from to validate my work, my ministry, my decisions and pretty much all areas of my life. I have given these people the power to affirm me and crush me with their opinions. Not only is that an unfair burden to put on someone else....it's sin in my life. It's pride seeking recognition and the applaud of man. It's ugly insecurity. It's finding my worth in someone other than Christ my Savior. That conviction sucked. It was painful to acknowledge.

Paul goes on in that passage to say this...
"But whenever someone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. For the Lord is Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. So all of us who have the veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord--who is the Spirit--makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image."

So here is what I am praying and trusting the Lord for in the days ahead....that He would free me from placing my worth in the approval of co-workers, bosses, students, my family. My call is to work with excellence unto the Lord and hopefully in doing so many will be pleased but even if they aren't that I will be obedient to what the Lord has called me to do.

Happy Monday friends.

James 1:27

"Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you." (New Living Translation)

This verse is one that has become near and dear to my heart. My desire isn't to have solid religion...but to know Jesus, love Jesus and every day strive to be more like Him. That being said, I think this is a verse that for too long the church has neglected to take at face value. God doesn't desire that we take care of orphans and widows, he commands it.

If you've followed my story any in the last few years it's no secret that Jesus has awakened my heart to orphans. Through many trips to Uganda my world has been wrecked and my passions have shifted to caring for, advocating for and meeting the needs of a specific group of orphans at Acres of Hope. I can honestly say that I fail miserably at living out most of scripture but this is a verse that won't let me go.

Why do I bring this up? Well first let me say that the previous post I wrote about Matti got over 200 views and within 24 hours of posting it...thanks to your help...Matti has a new home! This is the most bittersweet feeling that I could possibly have. This transition is necessary but not easy. Matti's new owner will be coming to get her on September 21st and I am already dreading that day. Another confession....I have been a basket case since that phone call ended. The last several days I have been on the verge of tears all day, every day. My heart aches even though I have the utmost confidence that she is going to a great home and will be well loved.

Last night as I was driving home from Life Group something occurred to me...in a way that only God could orchestrate, He has laid before me a beautiful opportunity to live out James 1:27. The reason I am having to re-home Matti is because of a specific call He has given me to care for an orphan named Daizy. But listen to how incredible our heavenly Father is...the lady who is adopting Matti is a widow. I was told before I ever got the call that she was a widow and that she had a large breed dog that passed away 3 months ago. Her first words to me when she called were "I'm lonesome....I just need a companion." At that moment I started crying. If there was ever a loving, loyal, faithful companion in the form of a canine it is Matti Thomas. For almost 7 years she has been my constant companion. She has loved me through some major ups and downs...seasons of depression and seasons of great joy. That dog has kept me company, helped clean my floors, licked my tears and made me laugh on a daily basis. And in some strange ways Matti has prepared me for motherhood. Please don't take offense to that all you mothers out there. I don't mean to make light of motherhood, especially since I have not experienced it, yet. But having a pet that is well loved is demanding and requires time and patience. So about the same time that Daizy was born I was taking in a dependent of another kind who has been helping prepare me for motherhood. Last night the Lord helped me realize that I had helped groom this fur-baby to meet the need of a sweet widow who needs the love and companionship from Matti that I have had for the last 7 years. And as cheesy as that may sound, the clinched fists of my heart were loosened last night as I realized how the Lord was working to make James 1:27 come to life in our story.

Don't get me wrong....September 21st is going to suck. I will cry. I will cry again. I will cry some more. But to everything there is a season and I am embracing this new season of life and the changes that are coming with it. Once again I am overwhelmed by the Lord's provision, his loving kindness and his goodness to me.

And to those who have asked....YES....this is an open adoption. Matti will be a little over an hour away. I won't get to see her often but I trust her new owner will send me an occasional picture and from time to time allow Daizy and I to come visit.

Find Me Somebody To Love....

If you have been following my blog for any length of time you know this sweet baby. This would be the love of my life for the last almost 7 years...Matti. She has been such a sweet companion to this introverted single lady. This may be the hardest blog post I have ever written but I need help finding this baby a new home. As many of you know I am in the process of adopting a little girl from Uganda who will hopefully be home before the year ends. After a lot of prayer and weighing the odds I have had to make the decision to re-home Matti before Daizy arrives.

Every time I share that with people they try to convince me that it will all be okay and question whether I have thought this through. If you know how much I love this dog you have to know this isn't a decision I have just made flippantly.

So why? Well for 7 years it has just been Matti and I in this little apartment and she is very protective of our home. Though she has been socialized since she was a puppy to all ages of people she doesn't really care for children. That may change if she is taken out of this environment and moved somewhere else....but in her mind this is her home and she doesn't want to be bothered. She has never bitten anyone but she just shows signs of not wanting kids in her space. The other issue I have seen is that if someone is afraid of her she thinks something is wrong and barks ferociously. In the most politically correct way I can put this....unfortunately the majority of the African Americans we have encountered have been afraid of her. This has become an issue in the apartment complex that I live in where there are several black families and several international families that are all afraid of Matti. Anytime we go out in the backyard Matti has to stay on a leash and that is no way to have to live. She needs to be able to run around and get exercise.

My number one priority has to be Daizy....who happens to be a black child. If those two odds were not against us already you have to add into the equation that Matti will be extremely jealous. She has been treated like a child for 7 years. I have created a monster because she thinks she is human. All of that adds up to potential for major transition issues. The adoption transition will have it's own unique challenges for both Daizy and I without having to worry about how Matti will handle it or if she would get aggressive with Daizy. For everyone involved it will just be best to find Matti a new family. I know the right family is out there....I just have to find them and when I do my heart will be at ease. I would hate to force this situation and try to make it work only to have to get rid of her quickly and have Daizy be terrified of dogs for the rest of her life.

So will you help us find a new home?

Here are some things you should know up front....

Matti has always been an inside dog and as a short snout dog at this point in her life she could not be turned into an outside dog. (that will be a huge hurdle because not everyone loves an inside dog)

I am not saying she can't be in a home with children but I would not recommend her to a family with small children.

Matti has no major health issues and is up to date on her shots and has been spayed.

She knows commands and obeys most of the time....just like a child she is stubborn. She has been to obedience classes at PetSmart.

Matti does well with other dogs but could not go to a home with a cat. (that probably wouldn't end well)


So if you know anyone who has had boxers before or someone who is looking for an non-puppy that is already house broken would you pass this along and feel free to give them my contact information.


Here are some more pics to help people see just what a sweet baby she really is....she will love and be loyal to whoever adopts this fur-baby.