Over the years I have grown to love doing personality inventories that tell me how I am wired and how I function. The results to those inventories are never really surprising if I am being honest. I am an off the charts "feeler" which means if something can be taken personally I will find a way to be hurt by it. What can I say....I feel deeply and I want to please the people in my life. I've known this about myself for years and have taken responsibility to step back and think through things before I take offense to it unnecessarily. Just because I am wired this way doesn't give me the right to have my emotions control me. In fact when Scripture talks about not being controlled by anything other than the Spirit I think it's applicable to include our emotions. Granted that particular verse is talking about alcohol but again, if I'm being honest sometimes my emotions are way more powerful and effect me way more than vodka ever could. With that being said, I am a work in progress but have made great strides over the last few years to take ownership of my God given emotions, process them and try not be controlled by them. Just when I think I have this "feeler" thing under control the Lord yanks the rug right out from under me to gently and sometimes not so gently remind me that I am and will always be dependent on Him to have any victory over my flesh.
Here's how the rug got yanked out from under me just this week....
Three different students who I love dearly and have come to depend on in the leadership positions that they serve in came in my office and resigned this past week. How does my flesh process that? "Why do you hate me? Why do you not want to work for me?" and the spiral goes down from there. When in reality if I step back, these are student who serve in multiple positions on campus, take upper level courses and desire to have some sort of social life their last year of college. Nothing about their decisions was a personal attack on me. In fact, as I have invested in them and tried to instill leadership principles in them I have told them to take care of themselves, get rest, know their limitations. Unfortunately when they do just what I ask them to do and I am the part of their schedule that needs to get dropped it stings a little. It's exhausting sometimes to do college ministry. There is a revolving door that is always welcoming new students in and at the same time saying farewell to students you have invested your life in. My flesh sometimes wants to pitch a fit that I train leaders and then they move on to serve in other areas of campus where I don't directly benefit from their skills and talents. How's that for honesty?
When I stop long enough to truly process, I wouldn't want to be doing anything else. I love getting to invest in students. I love to do life with them and pass on leadership skills and disciple them in big and small ways. Though starting from scratch with new students isn't always fun and easy, there is a proud mom in me that is thankful to see my older "kids" using what I have instilled in them to make the places they serve better.
So that was enough to get my "feeler" working in over drive this week and then came the sermon on Sunday morning at church. We've been talking about being Jars used for God's Glory lately and we got to 2 Corinthians 3 where Paul talks about how we seek "letters of recommendations" from others to validate us and our ministry. #OUCH Paul goes on to say this, "We are confident in all this because of our great trust in God through Christ. It is not that we think we are qualified to do anything on our own. Our qualification comes from God. He has enabled us to be ministers of his new covenant." If you have ever had one of those moments where conviction was inescapable and you felt that your pastor had been given some special insight into your soul that made you want to hide as he preached directly to you...that was me yesterday.
So here is my heartfelt confession: there are a few people in my life that I desperately seek "letters of recommendation" from to validate my work, my ministry, my decisions and pretty much all areas of my life. I have given these people the power to affirm me and crush me with their opinions. Not only is that an unfair burden to put on someone else....it's sin in my life. It's pride seeking recognition and the applaud of man. It's ugly insecurity. It's finding my worth in someone other than Christ my Savior. That conviction sucked. It was painful to acknowledge.
Paul goes on in that passage to say this...
"But whenever someone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. For the Lord is Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. So all of us who have the veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord--who is the Spirit--makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image."
So here is what I am praying and trusting the Lord for in the days ahead....that He would free me from placing my worth in the approval of co-workers, bosses, students, my family. My call is to work with excellence unto the Lord and hopefully in doing so many will be pleased but even if they aren't that I will be obedient to what the Lord has called me to do.
Happy Monday friends.
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