Most of you know that I had my first home study interview this past Friday….first let me say thank you for the prayers. I was overwhelmed by your love and support that day. My phone was blowing up all day with your words of encouragement and/or pics of you in your Daizy shirt. I don’t even have words to describe the feelings I had when I got back on campus that day and LC was covered with Daizy shirts. One of our students put on twitter that if an outsider drove by they would think that LC got new uniforms. To date there are 300 people out there wearing shirts to support my growing family and I am humbled and thankful!
I really don’t even know where to begin to describe the events of Friday. I vowed to share with you the good, the bad, the ugly of the adoption process and I am still on the fence as to which category to put the home study interview in. No matter how you spin it….you are interviewing with a perfect stranger who is going to get all up in your business, write a report about you that is submitted to two national governments and from that you will either be approved or denied to adopt a child. No pressure right?
Just by nature of my blog it’s no secret that my life is an open book. I am a processor and I like to think out loud and talk things out. You would think this would work in my favor in a process like this…even so, I will say this was the most invasive process I have ever gone through. My social worker is an incredible woman who loves the Lord so that wasn’t the issue. Imagine having to take all the “baggage” in your lifetime and put it on a table and tell a stranger about it….ugh. When I left the two hour interview I was emotionally drained. And like any good woman can, I over analyzed every answer that I gave…every question and follow up question that was asked…body language…you name it. By the time I had arrived back in Pineville I was convinced there is no way I could get approved to raise a child. It really is amazing the way that Satan will seek to devour you even when (especially when) you know without a doubt you are being obedient to the Lord.
When it comes to what I expected from this interview….I knew there would be questions about how I planned to be a single parent, how I planned to discipline, what led me to this point of adoption and lots of questions about my family. Again, it’s no secret to most of you that the Thomas Family has been dealt its share of ups and downs. I always tell people that we put “fun” in dysfunctional. So I knew going in there would be questions about the strained relationship I have with my mom and the homosexual lifestyle that my father lives. One thing that is undeniable, I seem to have more than my share of “baggage” but I have also accepted that it has made me who I am today. I have no regrets, as if I caused these things to happen, but in so many seasons of my life the Lord has used my experiences to minister to others. I quit asking a long time ago “why me?” and turned my questions into a “how can you use this?” and “what do you want me to learn from this Lord?” So, I was expecting to have to unpack a lot of that but it still wasn’t easy. To have someone look at you and ask if you’ve ever gone to counseling is never easy to hear because ultimately what I heard was “you need counseling.”
Side note on counseling---I do not think counseling is a bad thing. I do not think it implies you are crazy to see a counselor….that is a social stigma that I think is ridiculous. I’m not really sure why I have never gone to professional counseling, to be honest. I am sure I’ve blamed the cost, the time…who knows. I do know that I have been incredibly blessed to have godly people in my life at every season who have given me wise counsel. I’m blessed that God wired me not to bottle up my emotions so that there isn’t 34 years of “messed up ness” fighting it’s way to the top. I will say that after the initial interview I have prayed about going to counseling. If that is something that will help me be a better mom to Daizy…by all means I am willing to do that. There are countless resources I will need as a mom and I’m willing to admit a counselor may just be one of them. *end side note*
So after I felt (irrational feelings) that I now had two strikes against me, here came the curve ball and strike number three. I was asked about my job history and all the jobs I have worked since high school. As I began listing jobs and years of employment I got to 2005-2006 where I served at LSU…still breezing on through to the 7 years I have now served at LC. SEVEN YEARS….holy cow! And then came the dreaded question… “have you ever been fired from a job?” (enter dramatic piano playing here). Why did I not think this would come up? Why didn’t I prepare for this? Most of you know the answer to this….because of poor decisions on my part to be more loyal to students than to my boss/ministry partner, I was asked to leave my job at LSU. Here may be the highlight of my day though….I was able to talk about that season of my life without being emotional. If I could paint a picture of that moment it would be of me in a boxing ring and hearing the bell ring and the ref holding my hand up in the air as the victor of the fight. For the first time I realized I had finally forgiven myself. It has been an incredible year of emotional and spiritual healing for me and I realized I had finally let my failure go….my failure in that job no longer defined me. No doubt, that was one of the most defining moments of my life. I was forced to deal with failure for the first time in my adult life and learn how to pick myself up and move on. THANK YOU LORD! Thank you for that moment of knowing that you had redeemed my past and have given me a great future in student ministry where I am stronger, better and far wiser than I was in 2005.
That is a lot to overcome….BUT PRAISE THE LORD THAT HE CAN! After a two hour drive home feeling completely defeated, the Lord has gently reminded me this week that He is in control and its only by his grace and his imputed righteousness into my life that I could ever be a good parent.
“A” if you’re reading this….and I know you do because you’re good at your job like that….know that I am so thankful for your graciousness and kindness through this process. There was nothing you did or didn’t do that caused any of these emotions….Satan is crafty like that and would love nothing more than to see me give in and give up on fighting for my Daizy. If there is one thing I know for sure is that we have the same goal in sight…doing what is best for Daizy!!
So here’s to preparing for home study interview number two and all that entails. Mark your calendars and start praying because #2 will be next Tuesday, October 2nd at 10:30am
In closing I am left chuckling at a line from The Hunger Games….”may the odds be ever in your favor!”
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