asking the hard questions

Well as you know yesterday was my second home study interview. Just the fact that I am blogging about it so quickly should tell you that it went well. In fact....it couldn't have gone better. I had been dreading the 2nd one because of all of the emotions and processing that came with the first interview. On the other side of it I can say it was worth it!

I was just talking with a friend last night and we laughed about selling shirts or at least making some for ourselves that said "adoption is not for sissies"...amen? This process is tough. Nothing about your life is left unexposed...especially the raw emotions that are stirred up. But, here is what I am discovering....being asked the hard questions isn't a bad thing. Hard questions aren't bad questions. What came of two hours of being grilled with hard questions was sleepless nights of processing, praying and digging my heals deep in the pursuit of bringing my daughter home. Though I was rattled I came out of it more resolved than ever!

Going into the 2nd interview I think I was far more prepared for the hard questions and they didn't seem so hard. I was prayed up and the Lord was kind and faithful to reveal His nearness to me that morning as I got up to seek Him before the sun came up. There is a confidence that comes when you can truly grasp that the God who created the universe is on your side and holds all things together.

So here was the hardest question I was asked....and let me tell you when the social worker prefaces the question with "I hate asking this question...this is a hard one" you know you need to brace yourself. So here it was..."what if this process doesn't end the way you want...for whatever reason let's say Daizy doesn't come home."
(gulp)

With tears in my eyes I was able to honestly answer this questions because for a week now it's all I have thought about, prayed about, cried over...
If we compare this process to a pregnancy then you could say I am well into my 2nd trimester. I am emotionally invested not only in this process but I am invested in Daizy. I have prepared my heart and my home for her...she is a reality in my life. I have prepared her room. Her closet has clothes in it. Her pictures hang on my walls. At this point there would be grieving if this process did not end with her coming home. To be honest I don't know how long that would take or what it would look like. Just as if I lost someone I was close to....I would have to take it one day at a time. Each day would be a decision to get out of bed and try to get back to life as I knew it. It may take weeks, it may take months, it may take years. But life would have to go on. And if this process didn't end the way I would like it to it doesn't mean that I misunderstood the Lord. Moses never got to see the promise land but it didn't release him from leading the people and going through the journey to get there. So here is what I have discovered....I am not defined by my family, or what I do, or my failures NOR my successes...and my identity is not defined by being Daizy's mom. Not having her here would be hard but my identity is found only in Christ my Savior and the Bible tells me that he is unchanging, unshakable and is quite capable of healing my broken heart.

It's been a hard couple of weeks...but good ones. I am in a relentless pursuit to bring my daughter home and I can't say thank you enough for your love, support and encouragement.

Here is a new picture I got of Daizy yesterday...enjoy.